Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
You Might Also Like
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft