I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
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Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Thursday
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
What about second breakfast?
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
I’m confused about plants
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
I have obtained a hat
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*