Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
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[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Phew
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am