@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
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I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
me and who
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
we’re dead?
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Not messing around
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes