@_steamy_mac

Life status: stealing toilet paper from a used car dealership where I’m pretending I’m gonna buy a car just so I can steal toilet paper.

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@Bandersnaaatch

You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

This concludes your parenting course.

@illTortuga

I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.

@phalguy

I wrote a book titled:
How Dragons Are Greater Than Unicorns

Daenerys Targaryen wrote the foreword.

All she wrote was: No shit Sherlock!

@thatdutchperson

[trying to sleep]

Me: ok, just breathe and relax.

Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED

@AtticusFinch79

DOCTOR: wut brings you in today

ME: im feeling funny

*an hour later*

DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t

@That_Damn_Duck

A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.

@shutupmikeginn

Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.

@TheRomanParker

Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation

@TheToddWilliams

[grocery store]

CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident

ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”

CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…

ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”

@Ristolable

[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk