@EllenPallas

Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.

You are welcome.

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@markedly

Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door

@TheAndrewNadeau

PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.

@bauerpower

So, I ordered a Detective Pikachu plush for my desk at work, and I have to say, this is not how I expected him to be packaged.

@Ristolable

Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him

@Scott_A_Gilmore

I gave up and “folded” the fitted sheet into a rope so I could shimmy down from the 3rd floor to escape folding laundry.

@Westoff123

I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.

@NurseMurderer

I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.

@TheHyyyype

[i get pulled over]

cop: have you been out drinking?

me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times