@EllenPallas

Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.

You are welcome.

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@bonehugsnirony

science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok

@wickedsuga

Look, if all you have is candy corn in this van, I’m going to have to get out.

@KrazykurtKurt

When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.

@Sassafrantz

Becky on FB is “too blessed to be stressed” so I told her that I slept with her boyfriend.

@tgonefishin

Twitter is like a rocking chair.

It gives you something to do

and takes you nowhere

@mad_cattery

[being taken hostage]

*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest