Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
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Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.