sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
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You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over