Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
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Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.