On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
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Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds