@C3Ballin

Life was simpler when photo albums were books containing pleasant family snaps and not digital online librarys of me puking in a shoe.

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@DGComedy

Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.

Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not

What

We

Eat.

@SortaBad

ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee

BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*

@chuuew

[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.

@man_spach

My car ran out of gas in a trailer park and now I have the most expensive home in the neighborhood.

@Diane_7A

Twitter has no plot, millions of characters, & it never ends. Basically, it’s a “Hobbit” movie.

@Bagyants

I bet when they discovered the radish everyone was like “Let’s name it Rad!” and one guy was all “Let’s dial that back a bit.”

@envydatropic

I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.

@RedRegenerated

ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.

PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!

ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?

@superdadatron

I’m testing my theory that I can get away with putting a 0 or N/A in a work report that requires answers when I don’t know the answers.