Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
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This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients