Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
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i hate you platonically
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Breaking news:
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
I wish this was real life…
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.