Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
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“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.