A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
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applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
“Don’t kill it!” my friend pleaded for a spider’s life inside. So I carefully trapped it in a cup, brought it outside, then stomped on it.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
2020: The Year In Review
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.