Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
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Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
My kid’s teacher told me my kid is obsessed with video games and that I need to work with her on it. I’m like I do. I’m player 2.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
I don’t understand why people go to the gym all the time… everything there’s so heavy.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Don’t be part of the problem. Be the ENTIRE problem.
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots