Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
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[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.