Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
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I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”