[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
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[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!