[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
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He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
these two trucks have the same bed length
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.