[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
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If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me