Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
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Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men