I’m about to risk it all
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Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet