If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
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Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“I didn’t say anything.”
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
*changes t shirts*
I’m not dying in an Eagles shirt