lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling

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If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?


Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor


Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.


[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”


I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you


*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password


genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no


Me: I have bad news about, Bob

Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?

Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no