lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
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Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
I was bored.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.