@KevinFarzad

lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling

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@SamGrittner

If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?

@N0vAsko

Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor

@NoogsCorner

Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.

@david8hughes

[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”

@nyquills

I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you

@TheAlexNevil

*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password

@CornOnTheGoblin

genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no

@BoogTweets

Me: I have bad news about, Bob

Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?

Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no