No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
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*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
My background check bounced.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”