Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
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when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.