Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
You Might Also Like
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.