Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Welcome to Twitter.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
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My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
there is nothing wrong with being nice, but there is something wrong with being nice to people.
Not at work.
This homeless guy is living the dream from what I can tell.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*