@AlexRogaski

*lifts 10 pound weight*

Nice.

*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*

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@SortaSarcastic

Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.

@Tobi_Is_Fab

My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”

Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.

@thedayofthedot

there is nothing wrong with being nice, but there is something wrong with being nice to people.

@vexroid

Cell phone.

Recliner.

Beer.

Not at work.

This homeless guy is living the dream from what I can tell.

@pittdave13

Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?

Her: *blushing* sure

Me: What’s your hat size?

@TheTimmyToes

*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*