*lifts 10 pound weight*


*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*

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Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.


My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”

Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.


there is nothing wrong with being nice, but there is something wrong with being nice to people.


Cell phone.



Not at work.

This homeless guy is living the dream from what I can tell.


Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples


Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?

Her: *blushing* sure

Me: What’s your hat size?


*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*