[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
You Might Also Like
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Seas the day!!!!
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.