@TheRealNickKay

*LIGHTHOUSE*

BATMAN – You call?

L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.

BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?

LK -*Nods*

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@SlabBaconBP

When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it

@mom_ontherocks

Therapist: How does that make you feel?

Me: Like I want to stab someone.

Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.

Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.

@JohnLyonTweets

Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.

@LizHackett

I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.

@ThRealBallsDeep

<at first day of t-ball practice>

Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.

@SheBanggs

It’s cute how they show subtitles during Here Comes Honey Boo Boo & pretend that anyone watching might actually know how to read.

@robin_991

I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.

@DaddyJew

Her: is the game almost over?

Me: this is just the first half

Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?

Me: you’re pretty

@Eden_Eats

I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.