[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
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Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
This pepper has seen some shit
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!