me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
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I wear dresses to work so it takes me less time to use the loo so people won’t think I’m pooping. So yeah, I’d say I’m pretty professional.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Beatles: Help! I need somebody
me: *runs up to help*
Beatles: Not just anybody
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
first you must answer his riddles
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
JOSH: Hey dad
DAD: Oh my god is your name still Josh
JOSH: Um yeah
DAD: We’re changing it
JOSH: No please don-
DAD: It’s done
ERIC: What the
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.