@josePhDhoran

*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!

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@Fenyris

I wear dresses to work so it takes me less time to use the loo so people won’t think I’m pooping. So yeah, I’d say I’m pretty professional.

@AnOrangeSNES

We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex

@ThisOneSayz

“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”

~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership

@ankles_so_weak

Beatles: Help! I need somebody

me: *runs up to help*

Beatles: Not just anybody

me: 🙁

@PhilJamesson

health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water

snowman exchange student: (raises hand)

@Reverend_Scott

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?

me measuring the ceiling: no idea.

@Home_Halfway

JOSH: Hey dad
DAD: Oh my god is your name still Josh
JOSH: Um yeah
DAD: We’re changing it
JOSH: No please don-
DAD: It’s done
ERIC: What the

@SabineDurrant

So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.