*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!

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I wear dresses to work so it takes me less time to use the loo so people won’t think I’m pooping. So yeah, I’d say I’m pretty professional.


We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex


“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”

~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership


Beatles: Help! I need somebody

me: *runs up to help*

Beatles: Not just anybody

me: 🙁


health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water

snowman exchange student: (raises hand)


wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?

me measuring the ceiling: no idea.


JOSH: Hey dad
DAD: Oh my god is your name still Josh
JOSH: Um yeah
DAD: We’re changing it
JOSH: No please don-
DAD: It’s done
ERIC: What the


So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.