*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
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I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Me in tagged photos
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this