*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
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All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
hey, alexa
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!