*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
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The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.