*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
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Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
This is painfully accurate 😅
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
My birth announcement for our third baby
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.