Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
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Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Watermelon Boss!
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?