Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
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2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.