Seattle outlawed plastic straws so now I’m snorting coke through a tampon cardboard applicator.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
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Interviewer: As a vegan company it’s important that our staff love animals. Your CV says your previous job was… a pig slaughterhouse
Me: That’s a typo
Interviewer: For what?
Me: Er… pig’s laughter house
Interviewer: And what did you do there?
Me: I tickled the pigs.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
[first day as a librarian]
customer: i can’t find the fiction section
me: i renamed it
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
My wife does this thing where she hides all my stuff but calls it, “putting them away.”
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won