Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
You Might Also Like
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*