[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
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My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Travel bloggers during quarantine
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.