Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
You Might Also Like
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
grotesque if literal: baby food
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.