When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
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When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Namaste or Namago.
Sometimes when I say “I’m OK”, what I really want is for someone to give me a hug, say “You’re not OK” and hand me $10,000.
We missed out flight when the TSA discovered my musket hidden in my carry on bag.
Also, I couldn’t get my cell phone to charge because electricity hasn’t been invented yet.