@TheAlexP: Does laundry while drinking *somehow washes a lampshade

@stephenjmolloy: *air horn sound* *second air horn sound* Me: "This isn't deodorant."

@daplusk: [date] Me: Have you ever had it so deep your toes curl? Her: No, I'd love that Me: [pulls out 15th century poetry book] get ready Her: um

@Sean_Burgundy_: *Rides off into sunset *Forgets phone charger *Rides back

@JohnLyonTweets: [police lineup] Cop: Number 3, say, "Gimme your purse, you old hag." Me: You've got it wrong. I said "old woman," not "old hag."