Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
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H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth