@ErrenMichaels: *narrows my eyes at you suspiciously* *keeps narrowing them* *closes them entirely* [naps]

@goodhairperson: [murder occurs] ME: how terrible. why can't we love each other [someone slightly inconveniences me] ME: I will execute your entire family

@thatUPSdude: *at a casino* Me: How much are these chips worth? Dealer: Sir those are Pringles

@_iTrevii: You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.

@caroljimenezz: i wish i had a cute laugh but instead i sound like a dying seal