@Marcmywords2

Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.

Good times!

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@UnimpressedWU

Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.

@ThePocketJustin

Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.

@Home_Halfway

INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?

ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*

@KelgoreTrout

the guy who named the spatula was so lazy. hes like “what should i call this thing that spatulas?”

@Browtweaten

A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants

@Amiigat

The fact that there is even such a thing as ugly hookers tells you pretty much all you need to know about men…

@IamJackBoot

Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.

@KatieMoNYC

What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:12:”calamitygina”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3500139565/481993e5347fcad3e98d66cc4c9f4ded_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”222056070812676097″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”35″;s:5:”tweet”;s:135:”Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}