Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
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I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Hit me in the face with a bird
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling