Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
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“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that