Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
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I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
“MY DUST COLLECTION!”
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.