anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
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My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.