My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
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Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Keep your friends close & your enemies, in your trunk. Unless you’re crossing a border. Then don’t do that.
Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a pear-shaped woman’s body
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need