Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
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genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin