@schumoo

Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.

Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.

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@AndyAsAdjective

My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.

@SuperRandomish

Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”

Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”

@TEXASVETERAN

I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe

@shariv67

They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”

@KateWhineHall

6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?

@BonaFideIntent

Keep your friends close & your enemies, in your trunk. Unless you’re crossing a border. Then don’t do that.

@meganamram

Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a pear-shaped woman’s body

@JohnLyonTweets

Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.

@curlycomedy

The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.

@marcus_sullivan

Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need