That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
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The Punning Dead.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
My Sentiments Exactly
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.