like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
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I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
prepare for carbonated trouble
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear