like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
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Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
My last name is Zilla.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…