Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
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“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.