Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
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son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?