Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.

Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore

Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word

My goal weight is:

2020 never happened.

Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.

[Restaurant]

Date: I like guys who plan ahead

Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after

When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again

god: i’m gonna make you murdery

cat: sweet

god: but small

cat: what

god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ

WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?

ME: [current world hula champion] You can try

wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]

Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?

[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*

Priest: the bride, sir

If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.

I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?

Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park

I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .

I have caller ID for the front door.

If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.

So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know

Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.

[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here

What?

I think my mom just blocked me

I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby

My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.

I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.

Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.

Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses

Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.

Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.

good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab