Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
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GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
dropping hints like
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Me: How do think pirates said “booty” all the time without laughing?
Mother-in-law: I begged my daughter not to marry you.