Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
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Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
With this onion ring, I thee fed
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?