@kimtopher22

Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”

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@TheToddWilliams

[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!

@TheAlexNevil

When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.

@CulturedRuffian

Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.

@Fuzzylogic2009

I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house

@DrakeGatsby

Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.

Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.

@ComedicBust

Me: How do think pirates said “booty” all the time without laughing?

Mother-in-law: I begged my daughter not to marry you.