Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”

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Annoucement: At my funeral, all my tweets shall be recited. I will then haunt whomever leaves first, demanding honest feedback for eternity.


Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho


Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.


It’s cute how my wife thinks I can read her mind when I can’t even dress the kids properly.


My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”

Moments like these are when I ask for money.


Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’


I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!

Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.


ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]

[ever so slightly later]

ME: [dying from massive blood loss]


Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.


Shout out to whoever invented Braille! Maybe nobody remembers your name but you came up with a pretty dope way for blind people to read