Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
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police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Matt Goss
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.