Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
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I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.